I want to apologize to each of you who are following along on my journey with me. I have not been posting like I should be. I have had so much going on that time is getting away from me.
I had two very good friends from Il. here visiting with me and helping me out for over a week. We had such a wonderful time together and shared so much. Their mission when they left home was to keep me positive and to motivate me. And I must say they certainly did that. And they made me eat, made me laugh, and even cleaned my apartment. Hung some drapes in my living room that I had been putting off doing since moving in here. I got to sit in the Queens chair and they went through my spare room and tossed out things that I wanted to pitch and just made a world of difference in that room. They carried loads of things to the trash and just really lightened my junk in that room. We went out to dinner and went to garage sales, my Willy has to have her garage sale fix every week. I didn't buy anything, oh yes I did, I bought just a few little things from this young boy at one of the places that we stopped. He was so cute and I would have bought him to take home with me if he had been for sale but of course he wasn't, but we took a shine to each other and he was about eight or nine and insisted that he help me to the car and opened my door for me. He really touched my heart and had the most beautiful blue eyes and very dark hair. I thought of my brother who passed away last year and how he must have looked like this young man when he was that age.
I took the girls shopping down town Lees Summit, we have a quaint little area that has some really neat shops and they seemed to have really enjoyed that. It was very hot but we managed to hit a number of shops. Hope they are not upset with me for having spent so much money. It was a hoot to hear them wonder how they were going to get everything in the car to take home with them. It is a very small car and you know how us girls are when we travel away from home for a week, we pack extra heavy. They even brought a queen size bed with them. Thank goodness it was an air bed. But I have to say they did a great job of packing it all in there. Leave it to Judy she can pack a tuna boat into a sardine can.
Well I had my third biopsy this passed Monday, I think I am getting tired of these biopsies. But this one will tell if this cancer drug I am taking is killing the cancer cells and shrinking the tumor. I won't know anything until this coming Monday. The waiting is driving me insane.
I went to my first breast cancer support group last night. I was what they called a newbie, I learned quite a few things. We had a lady there who has a shop called Reflections. This boutique carries things that breast cancer patients need, from prostheses to swimwear. I didn't stop to realize everything that was involved in having a breast removed and that you would need special garments, special lotions, the ins and outs of wigs, so many things that these women shared that I hadn't even thought about. I am so happy, and somewhat sad to know what others had to share, and what they have gone through and what I have to look forward to.
I just what to reach the goal of saying I am a survivor.
I am so thankful that I have family and my friends to help me face the battle, this is not something to face alone. The road is rocky and the mountain is high and sometimes it is so very hard to stay positive but I know that I must do it, I want to reach the top. Through the help of my daughter who is a true blessing to me and my friends that just left, I have now started a vision board. I think it is something that will work for everyone to keep you focused on the important things in life. I know that it is helping me. Along with prayers and support from others. I am fighting like a girl.
I want to say thank you to all of you for the cards, the flowers, the phone calls asking if I need anything, all of your prayers and support. I have some wonderful people in my life and I am so thankful to each and everyone of you!!!!!!!!!!!!! My circle is hand picked like a beautiful bouquet of flowers and I just could not make it without you. I love you all very much.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Friday, July 16, 2010
The Brain Scan
Well folks it is official I still have a brain. Yep I went yesterday morning to see if the cancer had gone to my brain don't know the total results yet but I know that it is good. My little tech gave me a high sign and I felt good with that. And "Matt the Man" hit my vein on the first try so I knew it had to be good. I have these horrible rolling and collapable veins that just won't hold an IV, and it is a real bear to have one put in so when we find that one person who can hit it right off we keep calling him back in. So a big shout out to Matt, thanks bud. The dye was injected and I got that burning sensation through out the body, the bad taste in the mouth and the feeling that you are going to wet your pants, but hey it is all worth it when it comes down to the finale results. In the last 2 weeks I have had every organ in this body checked. St. Lukes Hopital leaves nothing to chance that is why I like them so well. They have rushed through all the testing and the results and have been on top of this from day one. What a great group they are.
In afternoon it was on to see my heart doctor, not so good news there. It seems that they are going to take the defibulator and pace maker out so I can have all the treatment that will need to be done. They will monitor the heart very closely and we will pray that my heart doesn't fail until all treatments have been done. They will continue to treat my heart with drugs but I won't have the devices in the way when it comes to radation and breast removal. So I would like to ask for extra prayers in that department. I tuly have faith in my doctors and God. I am scared and know that I need someone powerful to watch over me. I have a good support group in my friends and family and support from people that don't even know me, every word of praise helps me to go forward, every word of encourgement means so very much to me. I know the hardest part is yet to come and I am trying to prepare my self for it. I wonder where I will be this time next year? Will my mind and body withstand it all. I know I am stong and I am a fighter in my mind, not sure about the body. Will I be at the top of my mountain or will I be at the end of the journey? I worry also about the stress this is going to put on my family, I don't want to bring heartache and strain to them. I don't want to see anyone suffer from what I have to go through and I know my girls they are already suffering, so that means I have to be even stronger. I MUST stay postive I must fight with every breath I take, I am worried, oh so worried. But I must fight this battle that has been set before me. It is so all consumming. I must "Fight Like a Girl" I keep telling myself that hundreds of women have fought this and they have won, I want to be in the winners circle!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Monday I go for another biospy and start the drugs, in 2 or 3 weeks we will be able to tell if the drug is working and shrinking the tumor, PLEASE pray that it will work.
Thank you one and all for your words of wisdom, your phone calls, your love and the laughter you bring to me. Don't ever feel that you are bothering me for I love each and everyone of you and everything means more to me then ever before.
Stay tuned for more up dates.............................loving you all Bobbi
In afternoon it was on to see my heart doctor, not so good news there. It seems that they are going to take the defibulator and pace maker out so I can have all the treatment that will need to be done. They will monitor the heart very closely and we will pray that my heart doesn't fail until all treatments have been done. They will continue to treat my heart with drugs but I won't have the devices in the way when it comes to radation and breast removal. So I would like to ask for extra prayers in that department. I tuly have faith in my doctors and God. I am scared and know that I need someone powerful to watch over me. I have a good support group in my friends and family and support from people that don't even know me, every word of praise helps me to go forward, every word of encourgement means so very much to me. I know the hardest part is yet to come and I am trying to prepare my self for it. I wonder where I will be this time next year? Will my mind and body withstand it all. I know I am stong and I am a fighter in my mind, not sure about the body. Will I be at the top of my mountain or will I be at the end of the journey? I worry also about the stress this is going to put on my family, I don't want to bring heartache and strain to them. I don't want to see anyone suffer from what I have to go through and I know my girls they are already suffering, so that means I have to be even stronger. I MUST stay postive I must fight with every breath I take, I am worried, oh so worried. But I must fight this battle that has been set before me. It is so all consumming. I must "Fight Like a Girl" I keep telling myself that hundreds of women have fought this and they have won, I want to be in the winners circle!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Monday I go for another biospy and start the drugs, in 2 or 3 weeks we will be able to tell if the drug is working and shrinking the tumor, PLEASE pray that it will work.
Thank you one and all for your words of wisdom, your phone calls, your love and the laughter you bring to me. Don't ever feel that you are bothering me for I love each and everyone of you and everything means more to me then ever before.
Stay tuned for more up dates.............................loving you all Bobbi
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Wed. July 14th
I am getting through another day..........I often wonder lately what filled my mind and my thoughts before cancer came to live inside my mind, and my body. Now it seems that is all I think about, read about, and yes talk about. I just hope and pray that my friends and family understand.
I have so many that are helping me through this journey and I am so thankful that I have all of these people, some who have traveled the road I am on now and are sharing what they went through, and how they have made it. I too am going to get through this. It is just a mountain that I have to climb, but thankfully I have people who know and are willing to share with me, that they had the same feelings and concerns as I am now having. You know it makes me feel so much better to know that what I am feeling is normal. And tears lots of tears are to be expected. I have shed a bucket load since the discovery of this mass and just knowing those little buggers called cancer cells are working their way through my body is enough to drive anyone crazy.
Tomorrow is the day they check to see if I still have a brain, I won't be surprised if they say I lost it years back, but no all joking aside tomorrow is the day I get the brain scan.
I got my meds to take 12 hours and 2 hours before the scan. So I am good there. My dear friend Julie is taking me and staying with me due to the meds. Once again I need a driver. Then after the brain scan it is on to see the heart doctor, he will tell me the results of the PET Scan I had done for cardiology department. Then it is on to see the nurse who is in charge of the case study, hopefully she has the information I need to see if my insurance pays for the drug, and to let me know what my co-pay will be. And to sign all the forms needed.
And that will be my day tomorrow.
Today I went to lunch with 2 parts of my support group. Terri and B.j., Terri has been through what I am going through now, so it is so good to talk with her. She knows what it is like and promises to be there for me if I should need anything at anytime. She brought me the cutest pink t-shirt that says "Fight like a Girl" with boxing gloves on the front. I know I can always turn to her with questions that I have. And that means a lot to me. She was one of the first people who came to me when she found out. I feel blessed having her in my life. My other buddy B.J., took me to get the meds that I needed for tomorrow. My friends & family have really rallied around me. And I know that without them I couldn't or wouldn't have what it takes to fight this battle they believe in me so therefore it helps me to believe in myself.
I understand also that I have lots of under lying conditions that most people don't have when faced with cancer but through my faith in God, my girls and my friends I will make it.
I hope tomorrow will also be the day that they start me on the hormone therapy drugs to kill the cancer cells and to shrink the tumor, I am not looking forward to having my breast removed nor to having my defibulator moved or the chemo port put in, nor the radation, but if it takes all this to be cancer free then I have to believe that it is God's will that I endure it all. Please continue your prayers for me and continue the support you have shown to me. The tumor is growing rapidly and I know we have to fight it aggressivly just pray that my other organs don't fail before we are finished. I want to be able to see my beautiful Alexis grow up and someday be a women of the world, well eduated and travling abroad, and being all that she wants to be. I want to someday see my daughter with a grandchild of her own so she will know how blessed I have been with mine. I never thought I would have to make this journey, but now that it is here I am only to fight it with every fiber that is my body and I want to make it to the top of that mountain.
Forgive me if reading this you might find some errors but it is hard to see through my tears.
Stay tuned to hear my voice and be with me on this journey. Thank you all for being a part of my life.
I have so many that are helping me through this journey and I am so thankful that I have all of these people, some who have traveled the road I am on now and are sharing what they went through, and how they have made it. I too am going to get through this. It is just a mountain that I have to climb, but thankfully I have people who know and are willing to share with me, that they had the same feelings and concerns as I am now having. You know it makes me feel so much better to know that what I am feeling is normal. And tears lots of tears are to be expected. I have shed a bucket load since the discovery of this mass and just knowing those little buggers called cancer cells are working their way through my body is enough to drive anyone crazy.
Tomorrow is the day they check to see if I still have a brain, I won't be surprised if they say I lost it years back, but no all joking aside tomorrow is the day I get the brain scan.
I got my meds to take 12 hours and 2 hours before the scan. So I am good there. My dear friend Julie is taking me and staying with me due to the meds. Once again I need a driver. Then after the brain scan it is on to see the heart doctor, he will tell me the results of the PET Scan I had done for cardiology department. Then it is on to see the nurse who is in charge of the case study, hopefully she has the information I need to see if my insurance pays for the drug, and to let me know what my co-pay will be. And to sign all the forms needed.
And that will be my day tomorrow.
Today I went to lunch with 2 parts of my support group. Terri and B.j., Terri has been through what I am going through now, so it is so good to talk with her. She knows what it is like and promises to be there for me if I should need anything at anytime. She brought me the cutest pink t-shirt that says "Fight like a Girl" with boxing gloves on the front. I know I can always turn to her with questions that I have. And that means a lot to me. She was one of the first people who came to me when she found out. I feel blessed having her in my life. My other buddy B.J., took me to get the meds that I needed for tomorrow. My friends & family have really rallied around me. And I know that without them I couldn't or wouldn't have what it takes to fight this battle they believe in me so therefore it helps me to believe in myself.
I understand also that I have lots of under lying conditions that most people don't have when faced with cancer but through my faith in God, my girls and my friends I will make it.
I hope tomorrow will also be the day that they start me on the hormone therapy drugs to kill the cancer cells and to shrink the tumor, I am not looking forward to having my breast removed nor to having my defibulator moved or the chemo port put in, nor the radation, but if it takes all this to be cancer free then I have to believe that it is God's will that I endure it all. Please continue your prayers for me and continue the support you have shown to me. The tumor is growing rapidly and I know we have to fight it aggressivly just pray that my other organs don't fail before we are finished. I want to be able to see my beautiful Alexis grow up and someday be a women of the world, well eduated and travling abroad, and being all that she wants to be. I want to someday see my daughter with a grandchild of her own so she will know how blessed I have been with mine. I never thought I would have to make this journey, but now that it is here I am only to fight it with every fiber that is my body and I want to make it to the top of that mountain.
Forgive me if reading this you might find some errors but it is hard to see through my tears.
Stay tuned to hear my voice and be with me on this journey. Thank you all for being a part of my life.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
My Journey My Voice
July 12th 2010
Monday
Wow............. what a day it has been. I had to be at the hospital at 8:15 to get a CT scan. As always it was hard for them to start an I.V., but Matt was good and got it on the 2nd try. Good going Matt, what an adorable young man. He hates being poked also, so he mastered it on the 2nd try. I got the radioactive substance injected and I had to wait a few hours before they could run the scans. So we ventured back to my apartment to wait for the drug to work it's way through my body. 11:30, back to the hospital. Back to Matt. And the narrow little bed, not something I could fall asleep on, so there I was stuck in one spot, can't rub my nose or move anything. Worried sick that my whole body was going to light up like a Christmas tree. Praying that God wouldn't be too busy and that he could hear me begging. And trusting that he knew how important it was to this small family for the cancer to be just in my breast. My girls were waiting right there with me and for me. We were told we would get the test results today, Matt told me that he wasn't so sure about that it normally took a few days to read the results and then they would be sent on. But we needed those results ASAP. Once again I turned to my higher power. Tenisons were running high we needed some answers today.
We left the hospital once again with worry in our hearts and my mind running wild.
2:10 back to the hospital again, this time was the meeting with the Oncologist. Prayers answered she had the CT results, prayers answered the cancer was just in the left breast but now 4 lymphnodes, and it had grown to 5x3.
This cancer is an estrogen dependent, so course of treatment is to lower the level of estrogen.
So after careful consideration my Oncologist felt that the best course of action for me was to enter a Clinical Oncology Program that has shown amazing results. Hormone Theraphy. This program consits of a drug that is given every day for 3 weeks. Then another breast biopsy will be done to see if the drug has slowed down the cell growth and is shrinking the tumor. If it has then I continue with the drug for another four months, with regular measurements being taken and mammograms given. At the end of this treatment program hopefuly all cancer cells will be dead and the tumor will have shrunk. Then it is on to a mastectomy.
If the drug doesn't work by week 3, then it will be back to square one. With Chemo and radation being the treatment. But with all my other health problems help me to pray that this hormone theraphy will be the answer. And that I can help some other women or women down the road by what the study has learned from me.
Please continue to pray for me. I need your love, prayers and support to master this journey. I love each and everyone of you. My blessings and prayers are always sent your way..............................
My girls went back to Texas this morning and my heart is feeling empty. They were like angel dust sprinkled on my life the four days they were here. I said a prayer for them as I hugged and kissed them goodbye, and wished them a very safe trip. They took a big part of my heart with them. My girls, my love, my life.
Monday
Wow............. what a day it has been. I had to be at the hospital at 8:15 to get a CT scan. As always it was hard for them to start an I.V., but Matt was good and got it on the 2nd try. Good going Matt, what an adorable young man. He hates being poked also, so he mastered it on the 2nd try. I got the radioactive substance injected and I had to wait a few hours before they could run the scans. So we ventured back to my apartment to wait for the drug to work it's way through my body. 11:30, back to the hospital. Back to Matt. And the narrow little bed, not something I could fall asleep on, so there I was stuck in one spot, can't rub my nose or move anything. Worried sick that my whole body was going to light up like a Christmas tree. Praying that God wouldn't be too busy and that he could hear me begging. And trusting that he knew how important it was to this small family for the cancer to be just in my breast. My girls were waiting right there with me and for me. We were told we would get the test results today, Matt told me that he wasn't so sure about that it normally took a few days to read the results and then they would be sent on. But we needed those results ASAP. Once again I turned to my higher power. Tenisons were running high we needed some answers today.
We left the hospital once again with worry in our hearts and my mind running wild.
2:10 back to the hospital again, this time was the meeting with the Oncologist. Prayers answered she had the CT results, prayers answered the cancer was just in the left breast but now 4 lymphnodes, and it had grown to 5x3.
This cancer is an estrogen dependent, so course of treatment is to lower the level of estrogen.
So after careful consideration my Oncologist felt that the best course of action for me was to enter a Clinical Oncology Program that has shown amazing results. Hormone Theraphy. This program consits of a drug that is given every day for 3 weeks. Then another breast biopsy will be done to see if the drug has slowed down the cell growth and is shrinking the tumor. If it has then I continue with the drug for another four months, with regular measurements being taken and mammograms given. At the end of this treatment program hopefuly all cancer cells will be dead and the tumor will have shrunk. Then it is on to a mastectomy.
If the drug doesn't work by week 3, then it will be back to square one. With Chemo and radation being the treatment. But with all my other health problems help me to pray that this hormone theraphy will be the answer. And that I can help some other women or women down the road by what the study has learned from me.
Please continue to pray for me. I need your love, prayers and support to master this journey. I love each and everyone of you. My blessings and prayers are always sent your way..............................
My girls went back to Texas this morning and my heart is feeling empty. They were like angel dust sprinkled on my life the four days they were here. I said a prayer for them as I hugged and kissed them goodbye, and wished them a very safe trip. They took a big part of my heart with them. My girls, my love, my life.
Friday, July 9, 2010
07.09.2010
Met with the breast surgeon this morning. She answered a few of our questions but left us with even more.
Unfortunately it looks as if the first step in our process will be to relocate my defibrillator. They will combine that surgery with installing the chemotherapy port.
The doctor didn't discuss with us - nor would she answer - questions about the current stage of the cancer. We know the tumor is at least 3cm x 4cm but could be larger when they end up relocating my defibrillator since it is hindering them getting the best look at the tumor itself. The pathologist did indicate that it was at Stage 3 but she didn't talk in terms of Stages.
I'm planning on enjoying the weekend with Nicole and Alexis and Monday morning we will be back at it first thing with a CT scan scheduled for 8:15am. They'll analyze my chest/belly/pelvis and also do a bone scan to identify if the cancer has spread, and if so - where.
Then we meet with the Oncologist Monday afternoon to hopefully put to rest some of the outstanding questions that we have.
Need prayers more than ever now.
After the doctors appointment we came back to the apartment and had lunch & watched "It's Complicated". What a funny movie! I suggest it to all of my girlfriends!
Alexis had a field trip planned this evening. She surprised me with a trip to Independence Center where she led me into the mall on a blind trip. I didn't know where I was headed but she knew her destination. I was so surprised with the fact that we were to build a teddy bear together at Build-A-Bear Workshop. Alexis wanted me to be able to take the bear to treatments with me and to have something soft and cuddly for me to hold onto and to remind me that she and I will never be that far apart.
She's adorable, and fluffy, and pink.
I will keep you informed here as to our next steps. Please feel free to comment - your words make me feel warm and fuzzy.
Love to you all!
Unfortunately it looks as if the first step in our process will be to relocate my defibrillator. They will combine that surgery with installing the chemotherapy port.
The doctor didn't discuss with us - nor would she answer - questions about the current stage of the cancer. We know the tumor is at least 3cm x 4cm but could be larger when they end up relocating my defibrillator since it is hindering them getting the best look at the tumor itself. The pathologist did indicate that it was at Stage 3 but she didn't talk in terms of Stages.
I'm planning on enjoying the weekend with Nicole and Alexis and Monday morning we will be back at it first thing with a CT scan scheduled for 8:15am. They'll analyze my chest/belly/pelvis and also do a bone scan to identify if the cancer has spread, and if so - where.
Then we meet with the Oncologist Monday afternoon to hopefully put to rest some of the outstanding questions that we have.
Need prayers more than ever now.
After the doctors appointment we came back to the apartment and had lunch & watched "It's Complicated". What a funny movie! I suggest it to all of my girlfriends!
Alexis had a field trip planned this evening. She surprised me with a trip to Independence Center where she led me into the mall on a blind trip. I didn't know where I was headed but she knew her destination. I was so surprised with the fact that we were to build a teddy bear together at Build-A-Bear Workshop. Alexis wanted me to be able to take the bear to treatments with me and to have something soft and cuddly for me to hold onto and to remind me that she and I will never be that far apart. She's adorable, and fluffy, and pink.
I will keep you informed here as to our next steps. Please feel free to comment - your words make me feel warm and fuzzy.
Love to you all!
Background
I am so thankful for the daughter God gave to me. Right now she is the person I am running to the most, she is my safe place to fall. She lets me know that it is o.k. to be scared. She is scared also. this waiting around for doctor's appointments is so draining.
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